The title describes how I have been feeling more often than not. I'm tired of just sitting here in limbo. Overall, most things are staying the same with somethings a little worse, but overall the same. I'm still on TPN. I try eating with more failure than success. My lower GI system still doesn't want to cooperate. My PICC is driving me crazy. I'm tired of not working and therefore no income.
I guess one of the hardest parts for me is to not know how things are going to turn out. I wish somehow somebody could just tell me the end result. Tell me if I will eventually get better or if I will stay like this or if things will just get worse. I know nobody can do that, but being in limbo with no important doctor appointments or procedures, just gets tiring. Nothing new being scheduled to try and see if there is anything that could possibly help me get better.
It has been going on 2 months now since I have been to Temple. To me it seems like I'm not one step closer to anything new than I was months ago. I call Temple every Friday to check and see if I am any closer to getting things moving again. This past Friday I didn't get to speak with anybody so I just left a message and I still haven't heard anything back from them. I'm thinking about calling the insurance company tomorrow to see if they have anything different to say. If not, I know somebody who has offered to go up the ladder and see if the people they know can get anything moving.
Lately I feel like my faith (what little I had) is slowly slipping away. It seems like God will/can help anybody else, but me. I realize we all go through what we go through because of what God might be trying to teach us, show us, or mold us. It just gets hard when your in the middle of it and you can't see any light on either end of the tunnel. I still know the reality that God has not neglected me or forgot about me, but it's easier to sit here and type it than to actually feel it.
Sorry to vent, but it's been awhile since my last "let me vent" post and tonight seemed like a good night to do that :)
Taking it one day at a time!!!
3 comments:
Brenda, I understand in a very small way some of your frustrations...mostly about having faith in God. I am going through something right now that is very overwhelming to me. That verse that all things work together for good to those who love God(Rom. 8:28) has been my anchor. Someone said recently something like "we will never come out on the other side as long as we are allowing fear to control us. Faith is our victory!" He is in control! His ways are not our ways nor his thoughts our thoughts...
I pray that you will know more than anything that He holds in the palm of hand and that His thoughts of you are very precious (ps.139:17).
Praying for healing, Jaime
Brenda we totally understand the frustrations. We have been there so many times and still have no answers. I will pray for you extra that God will wrap His arms around you and hold you tight. HE is there, even when we don't feel HIM> Hold on Brenda don't cave in, that is only what the devil wants you to do. We would pray many times when we felt like that, and ask God to defeat the devil and still do. Leland has just gone thru another down time again and it is hard to watch him but we pray and keep holding on. God is BIGGER than any problem we face. I love ya girl, and want to see you make it thru this. Just start knocking on the ins. comp. door. and as you said go above their heads. I have involved the state rep and governor etc. many many times. Don't be afraid to advocate for yourself. If I would not have done that for Leland, Amanda, and Justin we wouldn't be where we are today. It is a fight all the way around. Fight girl, Fight!!! Love ya, hang in there God will see you thru.
Brenda,
I just discovered your blog via Facebook. Since we moved away, I've lost touch with a lot of what's going on in your life, but I do know you're having serious health issues. I'm sure it's terribly frustrating.
While I've never had health problems like you are, I have certainly gone through times that have tested my faith. One time it lasted for years, and I was on the verge of giving up.
Whatever you do, don't give up your faith and don't try to find an "easier way". God is there, whether you feel Him or not. He's working, whether you can see it or not.
Trust Him - and then find a good support system of Christian friends that can help you when you're discouraged. Don't be afraid (as I was) to ask for help when you feel like you're sinking!
I'll be praying for you!!
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