Wednesday Wonderings

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the future and realistically how these problems are going to pan out in the long run. I just have different thoughts about if this or this happens, then what?

In regards to being on TPN with no idea when I could come off of it and not do it anymore. TPN has to be given through a central line. Well anytime you put a foreign object into the body it has a good change of becoming infection since it is foreign. It is the body's natural response to fight off things that are not supposed to be in it. So, I started off with a PICC through which the TPN was given. That became infected and I really had no other place for them to put another one, so they had to put in what's called a broviac. That line was placed in my subclavian (chest) area. So what's going to happen when that one becomes infected? Where will they put the new line? I figure I will eventually run out of places for them to put the lines for me to get the TPN. If I don't get the TPN, well then......(let's not even go there.)

In regards to treatment options and Temple. Things have gotten worse since I have been at Temple. My bowes have since gone bad. There was talk about the gastric stimulator. Well, if they are able to stimuate my stomach and I am able to eat, then it will just back my bowels up and cause more/different probem. It seems like it's a no win situation.

I've also gotten to the place that I have been dealing with this for so long with no improvements, that I have pretty well lost hope of ever getting better. By that I mean through medical and spiritual intervention. I know God is the Great Physician and can do miracles, but I feel like he can do that for everbody else but me. Then it seems like everytime the doctors refer me to great places that specialize in treating this, that I just fall through the cracks. I found out last week after 3 months that my insurance will not cover me to get the first test that I need done at Temple. So now I have a bunch of phone calls to make, but with no real hopes of getting anywhere which doesn't make me in a hurry to do them.

Now for something on the cute/funny side of things. I was talking to my nephew Taylor on the phone the other day and was asking him what he wanted for his birthday which was last month. Here is how the conversations went.

Taylor: " I want a gun that will shoot real bullets and when you pull the trigger the bullets come out and kill people."
Me (in shock): "Who do you want to kill?"
Taylor: "Drugs"
I was shocked because Taylor is the sweet one and it just surprised me that he would even say something like that. Then when he said drugs I realized what he was trying to get at since drugs are a big issue where they are at.

Hoping to be able to sleep good today and be well rested for work again tonight.

Taking it one day at a time!!!

Giving Thanks In Everything.....

I grew up hearing/thinking that God will never give us more than we can handle. Yet I look around and see people in situations that appear as they do have more than they can handle. Sometimes I even feel as if I have more than I can handle. Then an incident happened a couple years back in someone's life and it honestly seemed that person had more than they could handle. In the end they ended up committing suicide. I looked at that incident as if they were given more than they could handle. Then someone reminded me that he did have more than he could handle on his own. It's true, in his own strength he couldn't handle it, but that's is not the point that's trying to be made. The point is that God doesn't give what we can handle, but He helps us handle what we are given. In our own strength we can't handle things in this life, that is why we have to have Him on our side.

I also grew up always hearing/thinking we were supposed to give thanks FOR everything. I had a hard time understanding that, let alone doing it. How can I give thanks for cancer, gastroparesis, death, pain, storms, etc? You know deep inside that everything happens for a reason, but to honestly be thankful for it? Then tonight at church I heard that phrase in a different way that made much more sense to me. God did not say to give thanks FOR everything, but IN everything to give thanks. That may sound like the same thing just worded differently, but if you really think about it, it's not the same thing.

These two thoughts are actually tied together (at least in my thoughts.) Whatever situations we find ourselves in, we need to be able to thank God for it and let Him help us handle it. We can't give Him thanks when the situations are tough and we don't understand if He is not helping us to handle it. If He is helping us handle whatever situation we are in, then is when we will be able to give Him thanks in EVERYTHING!!!!

You Are.....

You are the sunshine in the rain

You are the joy in the sorrow

You are the strength in the weakness

You are the peace in the madness

You are the courage in the fears

You are the solace from the hurting

You are the refuge from the storm

You are the relief through the torment

You are the support through the tears

You are the comfort through the pain

You are the rest for the weary
You are the hope for the tomorrow
You are the cure for the ailing
You are the encouragement for the depressed
You are the remedy for the soul

It Will Be Worth It All!!!

No matter what we go through in this life, how hard and dark it might seem - It will be worth it all to make it safely to the other side. Everything in this life is worth it all to just make it to heaven and see Jesus.

I often lose sight of the end goal when problems in my life are right in front of me and that is all I can see. I go through life looking straight ahead as far as I can, but when problems in my life are so big I can't see very far ahead. I look at my feet and I can't see to even take the next step. It's so dark and I wonder if there is even ground underneath the next step. That is when I need to realize I shouldn't even be looking down or straight ahead but I need to look up because that is where I will find the help, the strength and wisdom I need to go on. I need to get my focus off my problems and focus on the goal, which is Jesus. Maybe God puts big huge problems right in front of us to remind us where we need to be looking - up!!! We need to look up to Him and trust him that there is ground underneath our next step and we just need to have faith in him.

I need to look at this trial as a stepping stone and see what growth and benefits I can get from it. I don't need to look at it as a valley but as something to build me up. Not looking at it as, am I ever going to get better, but look at it as what can I take from this. How can I use what I am going through to help others?

Yes, this was a lot easier to type than it is for me to actually try and do. With God's help though I will take this season of my life and make the best out of it.

Taking it one day at a time!!!

Reality!!!

Posted in order from most frequent to less frequent:
There will be bad start days with bad end days.
There will be good start days with bad end days.
There may even be bad start days with good end days.
But there will rarely, if ever, be great start days and great end days.

That unfortunately is reality for me. Hopefully if Temple and the insurance will communicate and get on the same page, maybe reality for me can change.

Three important prayer requests from me for this week:
1. That there will be progress with Temple and the insurance.
2. That I would get the job I interviewed for.
3. If I get the job, that the doctors will release me to go back to work soon.

Will keep you posted through the week.

Taking it one day at a time!!!

Dark as Night!!

When we have so much pain,
That all we can see is our tears
And our days are dark as night.

When all it does is rain,
And we wonder if anybody hears
That we feel like we're losing the fight.

Is there anything to gain?
Can anybody calm the fears?
Will we ever see the light?

We must remember the one who loosed our chains,
As the end of our lives and eternity nears
And imagine what a glorious sight.

The One Who Holds My Life!!!

I know that there is sickness, but I know of one who heals

I know that there are tears, but I know who brings the joy

I know that there is darkness, but I know who is the light

I know that there is suffering, but I know who is the comforter

I know that there is pain, but I know who is the solace

I know that there are storms, but I know who is the refuge

I know that there are burdens, but I know who carries the load

I know that there is weakness, but I know who is the strength

I know that there are doubts, but I know there can be faith

I know that there are valleys, but I know whose hand I hold

This friend is named Jesus, He's the one who holds my life!!!

My Mountain's A Hill

I heard a song last night that put things in perspective based on what really matters. My mountain is just a hill from heaven's point of view. What seems so large to me right now in my life is just small in God's eyes. The mountain that is right in front of me that I can't see what is on the other side. That mountain is just a hill!!!

I may think I'm never going to get through this mountain, I'm never going to get to the other side, and I'm never going to come through this situation. The hardest part is not knowing. I don't know what lies ahead. I just have to realize and trust God that even through my problems, through my mountain which seems so big. So big that I have no idea how I'm going to ever climb this mountain. I just have to realize that this mountain is just a hill, from heaven's point of view.

It gets frustrating for me to be seemingly in limbo. No important appointment scheduled. I'm just sitting around waiting to get some Temple appointments scheduled. Nothings changing...it's the same old, same old...... I know that God is the only one that knows my future, but it's hard for me not to know some things. Am I ever going to get off the TPN? Will I be on it for the rest of my life? Is Temple going to be able to help? Am I going to be like this from now on?

I want to make plans with my life and try to have goals. It's hard for me to just go from day to day, week to week, and month to month with no changes and no plans to help things change.

I just have to remember that the most important things in life!! That this mountain may be bigger than Mt. Rainier in my eyes but With God's help and his teaching, I'm going to climb this mountain one way or another. Which actually is just a little hill from heaven's point of view!!!!

Taking it one day at a time!!!